Bella? Cullen? What is this conspiracy?
by squillink93
Summary: Mike muses over Bella and Edward's relationship, light hearted angst and lots of humour. We see Bella, Jess, and some reference to Eric and Edward. Rated T for mild/strong language,and loads of irony different view of Mike.PLEASE REVIEW!


Bella and Cullen EWWWW! 

I just don't get it, why in the name of God would Bella be going out with him?? WHAT IS THIS CONSPIRACY!!??

I mean, sure he's good looking, gets excellent grades, and is instantly popular. Well screw him! I unlike that no good felon, work for my popularity,

i have girls fawning over me, particularly Jessica, she's cute and everything but come on she' no Bella.

Ahhhhh Bella! Her beautiful brown hair, gorgeous eyes, creamy pale skin, (I hope she doesn't see this paper, she might think I'm some sort of crazed stalker) and I, Michael Nicholas Newton **(A/N. I** **don't know his middle name so I made one up)** am no stalker!

Maybe if I tell Bella I like her, do you think she will run away in fear??? Am I that unattractive, oh no wait I can't be, some hot blonde is staring at me, HOLY SHIT!

That girl is on fire. Sometimes I think I have a secret conscience, but the angel is always there.

Where in the name of Dumbledore's baggy sweatpants and his Reeboks with the straps, is the freaking devil??

Focus Mike, you cannot be making eyes at random blondes when the love of your life (ok maybe that's a slight exaggeration) is around, or quoting Harry Potter mixed with rap music and musing about your conscience.

I'm getting sidetracked, and I have a retarded way of thinking.

Anyhoo (is that how you spell it??) Oh who gives a shit? Anyway, where was I? I was talking about Bella, oh yeah,

HOLY SHIT!! Bella is coming over here.

ARRGGGH!! I am not prepared, I haven't brushed my hair! Is my breath ok? Is my shirt un-tucked ( I swear I get more like a girl everyday!)

While I have my mini epileptic fit, Bella is leaning over me and staring at me as if I have a zit the size of frickin' Timbuktu!! (I don't, I was just making a metaphor, or a simile? I get confused).

"Mike?"- HOLY SHIT (I say that a lot don't I?) Bella is speaking to me and I am writing in a diary, could my life suck anymore? Oh yes it could-

"Bellaaaaaaa!" that's it Mikey play it suave and coooollllll.

"Are you ok? you look a bit sick" awww she cares for my health, and my sanity, or therefore lack of.

Oh yeah play it cool. No look sad then she'll kiss you. Ok I'm trying to look cute and happy at the same time.

HOLY SLOPPY JOES! (where did that come from?) I have emotional/mental acting issues, either that or I'm just insane all round.

"Nah nah babe, I'm just smoking'" Oh yes! Once again my hypotheses have been proved. Clearly I have no sanity due to the crap penetrating my mouth. Talk as if you were talking to the fucking principle of school, ok continuing-

"S-So B- Bella, h- how are yo- you?"- I am a fool! I might have to dig a hole and go live with the mole people. (Whoever they are anyway?)

"I'm fine thanks, I was just wondering if you have the History notes from yesterday?" Oh so she's not interested in me, but she wants History notes, do I even have those? *fishes through folder*

"Here you go, Bella" I hand the notes to her.

I really am an insane hormonal boy with no sense, I can't say any cool, suave, sexy line as I hand notes to her.

Lord, kill me now! Actually no, then I couldn't go out with Bella, although she might cry at my funeral.

Yey! Wait, should I be so excited about my untimely death? Oh well, Dad did always say I was a bit "special" when I was younger.

That LYING SON OF A BITCH!!! MY OWN FATHER IS CALLING ME RETARDED!!! Oh wait I am, what other semi popular guy keeps a diary.

I bet Cullen does, stupid little turd, I hope he gets run over by a truck,

Ooooh! Then I could comfort Bella at his funeral and then she will instantly fall in love with me.

Speaking of Bella she's standing by my desk waiting for me to give her attention,

"Sorry Bella, I'm just trying to finish this assignment" yeah the assignment which is my pathetic life!

"Ok, I guess I'll see you at lunch, bye Mike" Screw my life, screw it to the fiery pits of hell!

Ok three things I have learnt.

Never try to be cool or suave with a girl. It makes you look foolish

Bella is dating a weird guy with notorious mood swings (I'm judging by his eyes here people) **( A/N. Edward's colour changing eyes, naturally Mike doesn't know he's a vampire so he's being idiotic,) **

Never ignore a girl when she talks to you, it makes you look rude, retarded and even more foolish.

Maybe when I die, I'll go where the angels stay and play and angel Bella will love me then, oh no she won't, she'll be old and fawning over angel Cullen (He's going to hell, stupid Turdball **(A/N. I don't actually think this about Edward, so it's really ironic for me to be writing this) **with his stupid perfect hair).

Now Bella's' gone back to Turdball and he's laughing and grinning at me. I HATE HIM!

I glare back and am quite tempted to give him the finger, but then Bella would see and she would not be impressed, it's all Turdball's fault. I reiterate: I HATE HIM!

Oh lordy! Here comes Jessica aka Queen-Bitch-To-Those-Who-Do-Not- Worship-Her, herself, I swear she has an obsession with me and probably draws pictures of our future children, oh dear. Why would I think such thoughts?

"HEY MIKE!" Sweet Jesus, that girl is friendly. She obviously needs a hobby.

"Oh……hi Jess" Not very friendly Mikey! Great! Now I feel bad, curse my non-stop chagrin, she looks a bit sad.

Oh dear, maybe she'll go! Oh yes think of the possibilities, they are endless! ENDLESS I TELL YOU!!-

"How are you?" says QBTTWDNW- or not! Darn it! I HATE YOU SLAP YOURSELF THREE TIMES! **(A/N. that random capitalized phrase was from Tyson Ritter in the All American Rejects, it's my favourite quotation, I might make Mike a secret fan) **Ok now I'm just being rude.

"I'm fine Jess" I say this through gritted teeth, to show I'm not in the best of moods.

She looks appalled, almost shocked, offended, disgusted, revolted ----- you get the picture?

"That's good; you could have at least asked me how I was!" That girl is a piece of work, I DEMAND A DIVORCE! --

What the fuck? Where did that come from? I don't even like Jessica! And now I'm dreaming ab- nay nightmaring (it's a new word OK bitches?!) about spending the rest of my life with her.

I have got to stop this; do you think Mom and Dad will pay for me to see a shrink? I hope they do or I will go insane, oh wait I already am. ARRGGH SCREW MY LIFE!

"Mike?" oh god, my pursuer is still here, I really need to stop spacing out on these people, and they too think I'm insane, the world is against me.

"Sorry Jess I'm just trying to finish this assignment, how are you?"

"Just fine thanks, Can you believe Bella and Edward? it's just like too weird, I mean sure Bella's ok looking, but Edward could do so much better" Wow she could talk for America this one! Is she insulting my Bella, well then that little ho-bag how dare she! You know what? I might leave.

"Sorry Jess I really need to go, to the bathroom, duty calls" Ok that was just crude, never say that again. Ah but aye! (Don't know where that came from) it is working, Jess looks disgusted.

"I'll see you later at the lunch table okay?" she has a look of disturbance in her eye.

"Yeah sure, bye" maybe she's not so bad after all. A little quirky but a sweet kid.

"Bye Mike" then she kissed me on the cheek, and then she giggled and ran off.

I touch my cheek (No! Not in that way you sick children) and feel the slightly wet patch. I realize its lip gloss, hmmm strawberry.

Maybe I should give Jess more credit. And she smells nice, you know what, I shall ask her out before slime-ball Eric gets to her.

That boy is the modern version of Snape, zits and oily hair (I know, it's a puberty thing, but come on, has he heard of shampoo?)

I bounce back fast don't I? That's right bitches I Michael Nicholas Newton, am the BOUNCE BACK KID! Everyone wants to be me!

Now where is Jessica……?

The End

**(A/N. that was just a short one-shot about Mike from Twilight, musing about Bella and Edward, and there's bits about Jessica, I was very bored so I thought I'd write this. Please Review and you shall get cookies, though if you live abroad, well I can't do anything about that sorry ********. Anyway that's enough from me. **

**Bye children**

**xxx)**


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